Well guys, you know me well, atleast by name and identification if not with a deep inner root aspects. But well if i am sharing this to you all, i somehow take it for granted that you knows me. Long back since the school days, i was involved directly or indirectly with so called serious affairs of life. By serious i mean studies, responsibilities to give back strongly because everybody gave there 500% behind me with the hope. The only not so good thing happend is Iunderstood all this at that age itself. In this process, the school was shaped, then came college, ofcourse was not at all happy with the college thing, because could not make up the career the way i imagined in those days. But all My Fault!..why?..coz i was the person who din't wanted to spend money in other was to get desired education inspite my parents willingness for everything. The hatred for computer was built in the school itself. Now to cut short, in all this there was a pile up of hopes,hopes and hopes. And i just gave back hopes,hopes,hopes to everybody(no matter real, fake..just thinking that i will take up everything on me and not let this people feel about the not so good things). Father wanted a miracle :meaning son should do magic so that entire khandan's picture is changed magically!..Son started looking at people and cast around and how things work. I started relating everything to aspects like marriages, staying or having a house with houses around from my socient or cast. But why does the son thought like this?..because this is what was or is considered to be a social prestige in the caste, or may be a way where many problems would solve automatically with the ambience of atmosphere. After few more years..it was my turn for that hot seat. Well, i am not valued for some reasons(mostly coz no social balances of family), and parallely the pressue to earn was high, ok fine, bangalore was a place to get good salary.Yes it worked to an extent. Proposals of good girls, recognisation from people across the community. But well,i messed up with many of the good ones. But WHY?. Because of my wrong thaughts and perceptions of changing everybody's life single handedly..and the real fact is no body can change no bodys life, which i realises now. With this process i got many chances through which probably i see things coming true, which i drafted wrongly. But after getting all, i was not at all satiesfied or happy from my inner soul. And i realised that it is absolutely false to relate different aspects of your life with atleast Socital upliftment. And i dont have rights to spoil someone's life because of my personal goals. All i learnt is if two people are not happy within an enclosed four walls, everything is useless. Now, today if i look back, i only see my self as a foolish educated person. I am emotionally broken into pieces. And probably wonder everyday to be with someone. But who?...nobody can be with you for whole life!. And that too for sharing the Emotional Hatyachars?..no not possible..the time and world is not so graceful to allow people seat with u and be with u 24*7 in the bad times or good times. I am scared about one thing "What will i do if i loose my parents someday"..and i feel this is the kind of fobia which has generated within me in last 3 months. Else i have been living all alone without family memebers almost whole life till date. I was and am accompained with couple of very good friends..but with their commitments of life to their families and personal desires they are bound to be busy. Now, today i feel alone and have lost the zest of being a larger than life kind of person.the sportiness, the fun loving, caring, sharing, motivating characteristics are all lost. Infact the worst thing is, i get jealous about my closest friends being happy today, though they want me to be happy too, it is just that the happiness and sadness of their lives are more shared with someone else rather than me is making me more jealous. But even in this worst time, dad cheers me everyday and he smiles and explains me to live happily, come what may!, but the problem is i am not able to delete the old memory of all my mistakes/some not so good incidents..etc.. and may be have lost confidence of self control over mind.Though i am not on wrong path of some kind of external addictional help or support to get rid off all these, but its just that WHY AM I NOT ABLE TO MOVE AHEAD EASILY WITH HAPPINESS AND JOY WITH NO WORRIES OF LIFE??. There are millions in the world who are into bigger problems, or rather i can say i am not into trouble at all.!!..But still where is the lost KEY!!
Conclusion :-
"Phir se..... Ek Akela.....: Heart, once gave smile and happiness to all; got shattered, is lonely, has nothing to utter ; is looking at the sky with pleading eyes and waiting to be embraced ;to fill the vacuum , to show the smile in happiness, the beauty of togetherness and to reignite the lost sensitivity… again.. for it....... to end again!"
